


The Future Is Not Ours

by AlterImpulse



Series: Letters After The End [1]
Category: Xenogears
Genre: Bisexuality, Breakup, Breakup Letter, Dear John Letter, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Elly POV, Elly and Margie become a couple, Elly breaks up with Fei, F/F, F/M, Fear, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Letters, M/M, Mental Health Issues, POV Female Character, POV First Person, Post-Canon Fix-It, References to Illness, references to violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-12-25 06:19:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18255494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlterImpulse/pseuds/AlterImpulse
Summary: Six months post Xenogears canon, Elly sends Fei a letter from Nisan.  First person Elly POV.  A gift fic inspired by our discussions of how Fei and Elly might move on.





	The Future Is Not Ours

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Azrel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azrel/gifts).



How can one even begin to say such things? And with a letter, at that - pardon my writing, in Solaris we did not have to write by hand, and teaching myself to do so has been an effort despite the wisdom of Sophia in my memories - this is something I felt I needed to say in person, but, I could never say it. I couldn’t ask you the things I have began to see again, as even bringing it to mind brings tears to my eyes.

We are bound by the strings of fate and destiny, every one of our souls has been in love, but every one of our souls has also caused each other so much pain.

I wanted to help you find  _ yourself _ , and in a way, I think we both helped each other find ourselves, just as everyone around us helped us. One hand reaching out for the other, each angel holding each other.

Except, as I stood and contemplated last night on the Angels… I realized while one of our hands holds the other, the other pulls us down, into the same cruel fate every Contact and Antitype has faced. That we…  _ hurt _ each other. Two steps forward, ten steps back further down. The Path of God we open is the path of none other than that one we had to kill to survive. And if we stay together, I fear that animus will consume us.

When I am with Marguerite, I don’t feel that. Her hands both hold mine, and mine hers. We are alive, happy, our angels dancing rather than struggling. I don’t have the nightmares of red hair and spit in my face and hateful words  _ you _ don’t even remember, I don’t have that gun Billy gave me hidden on me in fear you can’t hold him back one time, that your other self will return in full.

At the same time, I can feel his pain and your struggle. You  _ tried _ , you  _ believed _ , and so did I, but trying and belief to erase someone who has just as much right to live as you, because you live in fear?

Fear, I have learned here, is no basis for love. And that is why, Fei, I decided to write this letter. To free both of you from a struggle to live as one, and to free myself from the fear Id provokes within me and I within him. He is  _ afraid _ , Fei, and it is a fear and rage I can do nothing to soothe.

Where do we go from here? I don’t even know. It’s not like there’s a roadmap set out for when you reject a cruel fate to make a new one, you know? But we took happiness from each other and gave it to each other, and I’m sure you will find your way once more. Remember when I said the next time we met it would be as enemies? This time, I say the next time we meet, I want it to be as friends. Not as lovers struggling to not hurt each other, not as enemies, but helping each other once more.

It seems odd, with how intense my feelings were for you, with how much I craved the feelings you gave me. But… I saw you as my hero, my protector, when  _ you _ need to be the protected, and the more we lived together, the more I could tell. Marguerite… I have protected her simply with showing her love and respect no one else has thought she needs. You… need more than just the love of a good woman alone, or even a good man alone for that matter. You need stability, peace, comfort, that your taking the role of being in charge of me  _ won’t _ offer.

I wish you the best, Fei Fong Wong, and I offer you my deepest thanks for being my first - the first person to awaken me from the nightmare of Solaris, the person who put your life on the line for me so many times, even as Id loathed me and feared me. But… you did that, in a way, because someone else showed you the same love, the same kindness. So… this time, I’ve walked and I’m going to keep walking. On my own path, and staying here in Nisan to help rebuild. There’s other places, other people who need you - and if you find the person you don’t need to look out for, you’ll make something we could never have been, because of our fate.

By the way, I have included paints and an easel with this letter - the Sisters stored quite a supply in the crypts when things looked their worst. I have sent it to where I know you will return, because of the name Id whispered in his sleep, the person he missed so. I have also sent some of the Special Herb Tea - I’m certain his patients, if he is taking them again, will appreciate some.

Much love, your -friend-

Elly Van Houten

**Author's Note:**

> Real people don't shapeshift, and the great majority of people with DID or similar dissociative disorders are not violent like Fei's alter Id. Here's links for real, researched info. Don't get your info on dissociation and DID from Xenogears, okay? :)
> 
> https://themighty.com/2017/10/how-to-help-dissociative-episode/
> 
> https://themighty.com/2016/10/what-dissociation-feels-like/
> 
> https://themighty.com/2016/06/self-care-tips-for-dissociation/
> 
> https://www.nami.org/learn-more/mental-health-conditions/dissociative-disorders
> 
> https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dissociative-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20355215


End file.
